Sair's Lair

Sair's Flair
 

A Goodbye

I suffer with social anxiety and don't get on with others.  I am not a good person.  I am and have been nasty to people.  Therefore it follows that I should not be with people.  Having alienated myself from many people in my life - at work and on the Internet - I think it best that I discontinue my "me me me" communications both online and at work.  I have announced today that I will no longer be recording audioboos, I shall not be sending tweets and will not be going on Facebook anymore.  I'm not listening to others' boos, nor reading others' Facebook/Tweets etc. etc.  That way I will not encounter a feeling of a desire to reply.  It's just best that way - that I don't inflict myself on others anymore.  I am only going to be using the Dropvox app as a diary tool for myself which is completely private and will not be annoyingly public.

I apologise to all those people online that I have upset over the years.  Your consolation is for you to know that *I* know how bad I am and how bad I have been with all of you and am full of regrets and hatred for myself.

Complete withdrawal from communication of any sort - apart from work-related essential communication - is what I intend to implement.  It's a strategy of complete abstinence of any social communication of any kind with anyone.  No more upsetting people.

The duo who banned me from their lives were correct to do so.  Being banned has meant a great deal of heartache and soul searching as it's hard to accept being hated for ever but I do understand what I horrible person I have been and will always be and understand why I was rejected,

Having communicated myself online since 1999 there is a lot of my crap words out there but I shall not be retracing my steps to eradicate it all, so for that I am sorry too.

I MUST refrain from communicating online altogether from now on.  A hard task to remember initially but it must be done.

Bye.

Filed under  //   AudioBoo   Me   Stickam   social media   tweets   work  
Posted May 12, 2012
 

Stickam Group Invite

Hankypanky
I got this Stickam Group Invite in my email today.  Upon further inspection I see that it came from admin@stickam.com so firstly I wonder how Stickam can send out unsolicited emails based on my past usage of the site and secondly - I went to enter Hank's room recently when I had had a few too many to drink and was feeling particularly lonely and discovered I am banned from the room so I wonder if Hank is aware that Stickam are sending these out to past participants of their show who are banned.  My bet is he doesn't.  I wonder who banned me.  No, hang on, maybe I don't.  It'll be the same person who is afforded the power to instantly kick people for self-entertainment, regardless of good/bad behaviour, dependent upon the mood of the moment.

Life is lonelier nowadays without being involved and emails like this just bring back feelings of embarrassment, guilt and regret.  To stay away is to avoid any more stupid and insensitive behaviour from me again, plus avoids me having to endure one particular person who is widely disliked but is fawned upon by those with power and misguided loyalty.  Life would be so much nicer for everyone if that disliked person just wasn't there. I stay away from lots of good, friendly people because of one intolerable person.  That was and is my choice.  Many participants expressed their dislike privately to me of their intense dislike of the particular person but they continue to attend, probably still privately expressing their disgust.  I choose not to anymore.

I might open up my Stickam room tonight as I listen to my followed boos and/or some music and share for any lurkers who pass by.  Because I'm a giving person.  :-)

Filed under  //   Me   Stickam   screenshots   social media  
Posted September 8, 2011
 

Warning: Posting Entry Whilst Drunk

I am in floods of tears. I was OK until I tried to enter a chat room on Stickam that I used to love.  I discovered I was banned.  I loved most of the people there.  Not too long ago I'd built up a cameraderie with them - apart from one particular obectionatble person, who was fauned over by one of the presenters.  I used to send the presenters, their friends and their cat 100s of £s worth of presents to make them happy. Several times I did this.  100s of £s on the postage costs. I happily did this because I loved to see them smile when they opened their presents.  Deep down I am good.

Now I am banned and I really needed to have some company tonight.  Their banning of me confirmed what I always really knew... I am not worth knowing.  By anybody. I wish I could have the courage to end my life now.  I am hated by everyone. Really I am.  I need a 'bent' doctor who will kill me by injection.  I don't want to live anymore.  Being banned is confirmation that I am not needed as a friend... anywhere, anytime, ever. 

Filed under  //   Me   Stickam  
Posted September 3, 2011
 

Friends Only Chat At Stickam

I'm enjoying time with friends tonight at my Stickam cam chat room.  :-)

Stickam_with_linus_11_mar_11

Filed under  //   Me   Stickam   fun  
Posted March 11, 2011
 

Insecure

Mistakes

My whole life is spent in fear of disapproval and anger.  When anger happens, I go to pieces.  I extract myself completely from the situation and 'run away' but sometimes that's just not possible.

I have cried loads this week.  I've been worrying about how much I say the wrong thing, upset people and then feel devastated because this has ruined my personal relationships.  This is true of everyone I encounter in life - online and offline.

I read an @iTweetFacts tweet:  "Don't change for anyone. Just be yourself. If they don't like you, it's their problem."

That would be OK if I had a positive view of myself, but I don't.  Negative self-talk pervades positive thoughts I have because the longer I stay alive, the more I inflict a bad side of my personality on others.

On Friday night I went on Stickam and hoped that at least one of my four online friends could join me.  No one did because they all have their own relationships in their busy lives so I ended up drinking alone and it got me to thinking just how many people I have ejected from my life - online and offline - because of my fear.

It's a lonely life when you keep saying the wrong things and habitually upset people.  I don't have any 'real life' friends apart from one because I've 'run away' from them.  My funeral will be attended by one person - my daughter.  She *understands* me.

Filed under  //   Dee   Me   Stickam   health   social media   tweets   work  
Posted March 6, 2011
 

Changing Habits Today

Today I received communication from someone who did not seek my version of events, which proved to me just how sycophantic certain people (and, in particular, one person) have become towards one habitually objectionable person. So, for a second time, I feel it is necessary to withdraw myself from the pervasively unpleasant rejector of decent people and her sycophants' misguided loyalty. If she left permanently, I would be happy to return to the place where - when she is not present - people are free to happily enjoy the company of decent, friendly people who are good friends. Sadly, it would seem that the obsequiousness is too strong for that. I shall miss my genuine friends - some of whom have agreed with these views via private message - but I shall not miss the perpetrator of disruption who has the full support and sickly sycophancy of the host. Attempting to ignore the objectionable person is possible but I refuse to stand by and watch other people be upset and voice their discomfort privately. Now you have read this, my friends, many of you will not know to what I refer but I am hoping the people I refer to will recognize themselves and it will give them something to think about.

Filed under  //   Me   Stickam  
Posted February 18, 2011