Sair's Lair

Sair's Flair

Social Anxiety Disorder

I believe I suffer from a social anxiety disorder which stems from a traumatic childhood experience. I've never been able to overcome my feelings of severe distress whenever I experience humiliation or another's anger and I'd go to great lengths to avoid it.

Whenever I say things I regret, I immediately clam up, can't communicate clearly at all and then run away - extract myself from the situation that caused the anger or humiliation. This can involve something like "unfriending" *everyone* online with the merest suggestion of a connection with the person involved.

I dare not attend gatherings of many people - office Christmas meals out for instance.

I have an unreasonable temper sometimes. I 'bottle it up' and then say some stupid things about the most trivial of matters. That is my character and I know I can't change that although I have tried to before.

How on earth I held the courage to join in with the huge chat audience at Hank and Jim's Stickam for years I have no idea. It was both terrifying and enjoyable at the same time for me.

Another thing that is relevant is the fact that I always cry uncontrollably if *I* lose my temper. I'm right back there in my childhood. At that time, I got angry when I refused to do something I didn't want to do - and the response was for the other person to shout angrily at me and force me into doing something I didn't want to do then just to laugh at me and my discomfort and enbarassment - bringing me intense feelings of humiliation.

These feelings I have, have been with me for 42+ years and too intense/enduring to try and eradicate.

It may be irrational for me to one minute enjoy being away from any chance of strong, enduring relationships and the next minute crave the same thing but I do.

I feel very very lonely lately but, taking everything above into consideration, that's to be expected.

I'm my own worst enemy - losing my temper over trivial matters and then running away from everyone to avoid being 'shouted at' or 'laughed at'.

I am NOT totally selfish minded and do take an interest in others from afar - reading everyone else's Facebook and Twitter streams is interesting/entertaining for me. Watching others in this way, like my interest in Big Brother, means that I avoid the chance of getting it wrong with others 'face-to-face'.

What to do? Hell, I don't know. But it's going to be lonely.

Filed under  //   Me   health  

Sleepy

Have slept for much of the past weekend. It's lunchtime on Monday and I want to go back to sleep again.

I have taken all my pills so it can't be that that's the problem.

Thanks to you if you have posted on this blog recently. I am sorry I have not acknowledged or replied. I seem to be putting everything in my life on hold lately.

I may even stop doing this blog. I've no desire to bore either you or me with it anymore. I don't have anything to write *about* anymore.

Go look back through the pages for links to videos and audio if you like.

I really can't be arsed with anyone or anything right now.

Filed under  //   Me   health  

Twitching Little Finger

Remember my little finger snapped off (twice) a while back? The photos are probably tagged 'health' or 'me' - or both!

Anyway, since Thursday last week I have had prolonged periods of typing for long documents and trying to do these documents within timescales is both physically and mentally demanding. I feel incredibly stressed and tense. The hours of typing without a break have been long but I dare not take time out as I am in fear of missing deadlines.

My previous boss said that if I felt pain/fatigue with my little finger and wrist, I am to take a break to rest it.

I have not been able to rest it sufficiently and so the pain in my finger has become intense today and my wrist pain returned.

I looked down at my hand and the finger was twitching in pain, desparate for a rest.

I am being pressured to get much work done quickly.

I feel exhausted and all I would like is for *someone* to make me a coffee in appreciation of my hard work. Nobody offers to make me one. I can't spare the time to get one. Even my Dee refuses to make me coffees anymore. :'-(

Filed under  //   Me   health   work  

Just Can't Manage Anymore

I just can't do things anymore. My mind tells me to do important chores but if I physically try to do them, I have to stop as I feel physically incapable, am in much discomfort and just want the work and myself to disappear. I realise now that I just can't do stuff. I just want to cry about it. I used to have such a clean, tidy, orderly life but I can no longer attain the standards I crave and this dissatisfaction with my surroundings and lack of ability to solve the problem of chaos in my home is contributing massively to my already deep depression. I don't want to rely on my daughter to deal with it all because she deserves better from me. But I just can't do it anymore. Just want it all to go away. I know it won't so I'm really just worrying every minute of every day about it. I really don't want to go on. I'm genuinely physically incapable. Someone kill me now so I don't have to be continuously in mental turmoil about it all.

Filed under  //   Me   health  

Osteoarthritis Information

About osteoarthritis

Osteoarthritis is more common among women and people aged over 40. It's a major cause of disability and reduction in quality of life in the UK. Many people think that osteoarthritis keeps on getting worse, causing increasing permanent pain and disability, but this often isn't the case. Instead, it's likely that your osteoarthritis will settle down over time as your body repairs itself. However, sometimes the damage is too severe to repair and leads to stiffness and pain, especially in the hip and the knee.

Although there isn't a cure, there are many treatments and self-help measures that can ease your symptoms.

You can think of osteoarthritis as a 'wear and tear' disease. It causes the cartilage on the end of your bones to get rougher and thinner. The bone underneath makes up for this by thickening and growing outwards, creating outgrowths (osteophytes) that can make your joint appear knobbly. The capsule around the joint also thickens and becomes inflamed.

Illustration showing how the knee is affected by osteoarthritis

Symptoms of osteoarthritis

If you have osteoarthritis, your joints will be stiff and painful, and may be swollen. The pain may be worse after exercise. You may find you can't move the joint as much or as easily as before. It may make creaking sounds called crepitations. As osteoarthritis progresses your joints may become misshapen and look knobbly. They may also be unstable.

You will probably notice that there are times when your symptoms are worse. There may be no particular cause, although they may be affected by changes in the weather or how active you are.

Sometimes pain and stiffness can be more severe in the early stages, especially in women who develop osteoarthritis around the time of the menopause. It tends to settle down over the next few years.

If you have severe or advanced osteoarthritis, it's possible that you will feel pain all the time, even at night and when you're resting.

More specific symptoms for different joints include the following.

  • Hand - the base of your thumb and the joints at the end of your fingers are affected, resulting in firm, knobbly swellings on the back of these joints known as Heberden's nodes.
  • Neck and back (spondylosis) - the discs of cartilage between the bones in your back (vertebrae) become thinner, causing the spaces to narrow. Outgrowths form at the edges of your vertebrae and joints, causing pain and numbness to travel down your arm.
  • Feet - osteoarthritis generally affects the joint at the base of your big toe making it stiff - leading to difficulty walking - or bent, which may cause painful bunions.
  • Knee - you will probably have pain at the front and sides of your knee. If your osteoarthritis is severe, your knees may become bent and bowed.
  • Hip - you're likely to have pain mainly in the front of your groin, but sometimes around the side and front of your thigh, buttock or down to your knee. If it's severe, your affected leg may become shorter.

Causes of osteoarthritis

The exact reasons why you develop osteoarthritis aren't fully understood. However, certain things that may increase your risk include:

  • being over 40
  • being a woman
  • being overweight or obese
  • someone else in your family having the condition
  • playing sport professionally and injuring your joints
  • having an injury or an operation on a joint for any other reason
  • having rheumatoid arthritis - you may develop secondary osteoarthritis

Diagnosis of osteoarthritis

There's no single test that can check for osteoarthritis, so your GP will ask about your symptoms and examine you. He or she may also ask about your medical history. Your GP will look for bony outgrowths, swelling, creaking, instability and reduced movement of your joint, and ask if the joint is stiff for longer than half an hour in the morning.

Treatment of osteoarthritis

Self-help

Although you may not feel like it, it's very important to take regular exercise to strengthen your muscles around the affected joint and give it more support. Your GP is likely to advise you to take regular aerobic exercise, such as walking or swimming, and do strengthening exercises whatever your age or disability.

Regular exercise combined with a healthy, balanced diet will also help you to lose any excess weight. This will reduce the strain on your knee joints. It's a good idea to exercise little and often. Stop doing exercise or activities that cause you pain because you will continue to damage the joint.

A physiotherapist or occupational therapist can give you specific exercises for the affected joint.

Other self-help treatments include:

  • wearing shock-absorbent shoes such as trainers with thick, soft soles
  • using a walking stick
  • wearing a knee brace or an insole, or a support for your thumb
  • electrotherapy, for example TENS (transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation)
  • manipulation and stretching of your hip
  • hot and cold packs

If your osteoarthritis stops you from carrying out daily activities, such as turning on taps, your GP may refer you to an occupational therapist.

Lots of claims are made about certain foods affecting osteoarthritis but there is little evidence to support them. The only certainty is that if you're overweight, eating a balanced diet that is low in sugar and fat will help you to lose excess weight and ease your symptoms.

Glucosamine sulphate and chondroitin supplements may provide you with some pain relief, although there is limited evidence that they are effective. Glucosamine usually comes from shellfish so don't take it if you have a shellfish allergy. However, vegetarian versions are available and these may be suitable if you're allergic to shellfish.

There is only limited evidence that cod liver oil is helpful if you have osteoarthritis.

Medicines

Medicines can't cure osteoarthritis but they can relieve your symptoms. Pain may be relieved by over-the-counter painkillers such as paracetamol, ibuprofen or aspirin. Always read the patient information leaflet that comes with your medicine and if you have any questions, ask your pharmacist for advice.

You may wish to use non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs) in the form of creams and gels that you rub into your affected joints. These are less likely to have side-effects than NSAIDs taken as tablets, but this means you may notice only limited benefit as less of the medicine gets to the affected area. If these don't help, your GP may prescribe NSAIDs to take as tablets to reduce the inflammation, pain, and stiffness, but it's important to balance any benefits these may offer with possible negative side-effects.

Your GP will only prescribe stronger painkillers if your pain is severe. He or she may also suggest steroid injections given directly into the affected area.

Non-surgical treatments

You may be prescribed capsaicin cream or gel, made from an extract of chilli peppers, to help relieve pain. Your GP may prescribe it as an additional treatment for osteoarthritis of the hand or knee.

Surgery

If you have severe osteoarthritis, there are a number of different types of surgery that you may be able to have. These include the following.

  • Microfracture surgery uses a drill or pick to make holes in the bone surfaces to encourage new cartilage to grow.
  • If your knee locks or gives way, a knee arthroscopy can clear away debris in it that causes this. The operation is done using keyhole surgery.
  • Hip resurfacing replaces the damaged surfaces in your hip joint with artificial ones.
  • Hip or knee replacements have high rates of success in improving mobility and reducing pain.
  • Realignment or osteotomy changes the position of the bones in your knee joint.
  • Trapeziectomy is thumb surgery to remove a small bone and create more space so the bone surfaces don't rub together.
  • Foot surgery can correct the positions of these joints.
  • Wrist surgery includes stiffening or fusion, and less commonly joint replacement.
  • Chondrocyte or cartilage transplants involve growing new, healthy cartilage cells and transplanting them into people who have osteoarthritis. However, this technique is only in the early stages of being developed.

Complementary therapies

There is good evidence to suggest that acupuncture is effective in relieving symptoms of osteoarthritis.

There is little evidence for other therapies although you may find they make you feel more relaxed, which helps you better manage your osteoarthritis. Speak to your GP before trying complementary therapy or herbal remedies.

 

Filed under  //   Me   health  
Posted July 17, 2011

Insecure

Mistakes

My whole life is spent in fear of disapproval and anger.  When anger happens, I go to pieces.  I extract myself completely from the situation and 'run away' but sometimes that's just not possible.

I have cried loads this week.  I've been worrying about how much I say the wrong thing, upset people and then feel devastated because this has ruined my personal relationships.  This is true of everyone I encounter in life - online and offline.

I read an @iTweetFacts tweet:  "Don't change for anyone. Just be yourself. If they don't like you, it's their problem."

That would be OK if I had a positive view of myself, but I don't.  Negative self-talk pervades positive thoughts I have because the longer I stay alive, the more I inflict a bad side of my personality on others.

On Friday night I went on Stickam and hoped that at least one of my four online friends could join me.  No one did because they all have their own relationships in their busy lives so I ended up drinking alone and it got me to thinking just how many people I have ejected from my life - online and offline - because of my fear.

It's a lonely life when you keep saying the wrong things and habitually upset people.  I don't have any 'real life' friends apart from one because I've 'run away' from them.  My funeral will be attended by one person - my daughter.  She *understands* me.

Filed under  //   Dee   Me   Stickam   health   social media   tweets   work  
Posted March 6, 2011

Dee's Snow Family

Dee is off college due to the usual dizziness and college is not open full time anyway so she and a friend made this snow-family. Well Dee put the buttons on the big snowman. Someone was behind Dee, holding her up on this photo. Dee is finding it difficult to even just stand right now.....

Dsnow

....The snow continues to fall. No buses came after work last night. I stood outside for 25 minutes then went back in to call a taxi. In the end, the manager kindly gave me a lift home, thank goodness. Tonight I book a taxi early.

Filed under  //   Dee   Elm Tree   fun   health   nature   snaps   work  

More Penicillin

Photo

Today I shall be taking a total of 13 tablets, including 3 of these strong penicillin on top of the 4 ordinary penicillin I am taking - to try and get rid of my cold; I have no spleen. Ugh [rattle].

Sent from my iPhone
http://flavors.me/sair

Filed under  //   health   snaps