Insecure
My whole life is spent in fear of disapproval and anger. When anger happens, I go to pieces. I extract myself completely from the situation and 'run away' but sometimes that's just not possible.
I have cried loads this week. I've been worrying about how much I say the wrong thing, upset people and then feel devastated because this has ruined my personal relationships. This is true of everyone I encounter in life - online and offline.
I read an @iTweetFacts tweet: "Don't change for anyone. Just be yourself. If they don't like you, it's their problem."
That would be OK if I had a positive view of myself, but I don't. Negative self-talk pervades positive thoughts I have because the longer I stay alive, the more I inflict a bad side of my personality on others.
On Friday night I went on Stickam and hoped that at least one of my four online friends could join me. No one did because they all have their own relationships in their busy lives so I ended up drinking alone and it got me to thinking just how many people I have ejected from my life - online and offline - because of my fear.
It's a lonely life when you keep saying the wrong things and habitually upset people. I don't have any 'real life' friends apart from one because I've 'run away' from them. My funeral will be attended by one person - my daughter. She *understands* me.
