Social Anxiety Disorder
I believe I suffer from a social anxiety disorder which stems from a traumatic childhood experience. I've never been able to overcome my feelings of severe distress whenever I experience humiliation or another's anger and I'd go to great lengths to avoid it.
Whenever I say things I regret, I immediately clam up, can't communicate clearly at all and then run away - extract myself from the situation that caused the anger or humiliation. This can involve something like "unfriending" *everyone* online with the merest suggestion of a connection with the person involved.
I dare not attend gatherings of many people - office Christmas meals out for instance.
I have an unreasonable temper sometimes. I 'bottle it up' and then say some stupid things about the most trivial of matters. That is my character and I know I can't change that although I have tried to before.
How on earth I held the courage to join in with the huge chat audience at Hank and Jim's Stickam for years I have no idea. It was both terrifying and enjoyable at the same time for me.
Another thing that is relevant is the fact that I always cry uncontrollably if *I* lose my temper. I'm right back there in my childhood. At that time, I got angry when I refused to do something I didn't want to do - and the response was for the other person to shout angrily at me and force me into doing something I didn't want to do then just to laugh at me and my discomfort and enbarassment - bringing me intense feelings of humiliation.
These feelings I have, have been with me for 42+ years and too intense/enduring to try and eradicate.
It may be irrational for me to one minute enjoy being away from any chance of strong, enduring relationships and the next minute crave the same thing but I do.
I feel very very lonely lately but, taking everything above into consideration, that's to be expected.
I'm my own worst enemy - losing my temper over trivial matters and then running away from everyone to avoid being 'shouted at' or 'laughed at'.
I am NOT totally selfish minded and do take an interest in others from afar - reading everyone else's Facebook and Twitter streams is interesting/entertaining for me. Watching others in this way, like my interest in Big Brother, means that I avoid the chance of getting it wrong with others 'face-to-face'.
What to do? Hell, I don't know. But it's going to be lonely.
